It Hurts

I feel helpless... and sad. Had a discussion this evening which led to some sad realizations. This is not how I hoped or wanted it to be. It's been so wrong for so long. This can't be how it's supposed to be. And really the saddest part is that the one key thing that could help get things back on the right track doesn't exist. We can't communicate, I say one thing and it's interpreted in a totally different way. Or I bring up some issue and I get a totally unrelated matter thrown back in my face. I honestly don't know what to do. How do you walk through a brick wall? When do you realize you can't walk through and decide to turn back? Do you walk around or climb the wall? What if it's too high or the wall is waaay to long to walk around? Is it fair that I keep trying? Why does it have to be so difficult? I prefer having a door or gate at the wall and being told the conditions for entry. That I can work with. But I cant work with just a wall. It hurts though. It hurts being unhappy. I imagine there's hurt and sadness on the other side of the wall. If both sides are unhappy why bother trying? Maybe it's really actually better to stay on respective sides. God dey Good night.

inspiring view innit....

surreal dream

it was at the sea side, there was sand and it was mid day, the sun was out. i was with opeyemi, my wife. we had been there for a while, we had our things by two sunbathing chairs. a friend of mine came by at that very time, it was either lekan from my MBA class or seun, a friend of mine from OAU Ife. both faces keep appearing in my recollection of the deam. he wore blue speedo shorts and and a t-shirt and was obviously coming from the beach, he had a towel in hanging from his neck, one han holing one end of the towel. anyways, whichever one of them it was, opeyemi knew the person's name and she greeted him. Lekan or seun returned the greeting though in a way you could tell he did not quite recognise her. in the funny way things just happen in dreams, one minute he was just packing his things and the next thing i saw him getting into a car that was waiting just by the exit to the waterside. the driver looked familiar but it was a few meters away from where i was seated. the car, i remember to be a 2011 honda accord, the 'end of disussion' model, grey in color. the engine was on and the car was blocking the exit since i figure he was waiting for lekan/seun to get into the car. its at this moment that things started to heat up a bit. a red 2006 toyota camry drove towards the exit and had to stop as the accord was partially blocking the exit. the camry was driven by a middle aged woman from what i could tell, probably early to mid fortis. she was on the plump side as she had a rounded face. sitting beside her was another woman, light in complexion with a afro-ish hairstyle. they both had this 'owanbe' 'youruba-movie-star-ish' look to them. the accord was clearly blocking the exit which the driver clearly knew but for some reason still chose to ignore the persistent horning from the red camry to make way. next thing, the lasy driving the red cary comes out of her car, incenced that accord dude refused to move. she had parked the camry in a way that also blocked the accord from moving forward just before she stepped out of the car. all this stuff happening was still within the space of a few minutes mind you. she began to yell at the top of her voice, cursing and all. the other driver in the typical manner that all we nigerian drivers do, returned the insults right back at the woman. obviously frustrated, the woman returns to her car screaming on her way back that she will teach him a lesson. she leans into her end of the vehicle and gropes for something in her purse or the glove compartment, cant say for sure. of course at the time, i'm sitting there watching all this with vague amusement. being the jobless bystander only that in this case, i wasnt a jobless bystander that happened on an entertaining altercation but rather, the altercation found me right by my sunbathing doorstep automatically granting me front row seats. in that short five to ten second space it took the woman to rummage through her stuff looking for lord knows what, my mind quickly wandered and wondered what she could possibly want to use to intimidate accord dude. could it be native medicine 'juju', or probably just her mobile phone to call a soldier or police friend of hers, maybe a gun. that last thot lingered briefly in my thoughts but was immediately vetoed and ruled out by my reasoning. why would anyone threaten someone else with a gun over a minor traffic altercation? traffic fights happens all the time in our beloved stress-filled lagos. shockingly it appears i thought and reasoned too soon as the woman resurfaced with a massive looking hand gun. it almost looked like a mini shotgun. i was shocked beyond words as i watched the woman approach the accord guy in brisk steps. she stood right in front of him with the gun pointed straight to his head. i cant remember her exact words but it was something to the effect of "you think you can get away with this, you are talking anyhow, oya let me see you talk now, idiot. you will die today!". there seemed to be a collective stunned silence as everyone that was watching the scene was quiet for a few seconds, almost like an invisible remote had paused the scene. we all fell out of the shock at the same time as i heard a few screams of people scampering away from the scene just as i ducked for cover. i wondered as i hid for cover whether the woman was a member of the police. the quickness with which she had flared up over such and incident and which then led her to retrieve the gun however pointed to the bruised ego of a criminal. besides, the gun surely did not look like the kind the police carried. dreams are funny and strange. the scenery changes unexpectedly and unknowingly. i was no longer crouched behind a wall but was now hiding by the side of my car which for some reason was right in front of the gun show. i quickly assessed my situation - i was meters away from the 'situation' and i was a sitting duck if the woman decided to go on a crazed shooting spree. so i decided to run for cover. i pulled out the car keys from the ignition, looked around then took to my heels. and thats where my nightmare started. the enraged woman noticed me running away and yelled at me saying i better come back. i had already covered a few meters and had just gotten around the corner of the building. i looked around and saw there was no close hiding place or anywhere to run so i reasoned it was better to obey and go back thatn to get shot in the back while trying to run. i dashed back to my original cover which seemed to pacify the woman as her attention went back to the accord guy who had his hands up in the air. she waived the gun at him threatening all sorts. i only had to wait a short while before her attention was totally away from me then i made a run up a flight of stairs behind me. apparently the building just behind me was a primary school. i ran all the way to the top floor where the primary six classes were and crawled into the ceiling. hiding for what seemed like an eternity. i eventually did come down then found my way back to the ground floor. i met a few people still hiding away from the scene though talking in hushed tones. i asked one of them what later happened, he said the woman shot the guy in the head. his words felt like a blow to my face. it seemed surreal. i could not believe a person would take such an extreme action over a minor incident. the thought that i had been moments away from a cold hearted killer shook me to the bone. what if she had gotten to me? would i be toast too? the thought made me shiver. i stood there and a voice cut through my thoughts...taiwo got away, tell him its not over... it was the voice of the killer and i heard it clear as day like she had spoken to me telepathically. how did she know my name? if she knew my name, she could find me, then kill me too. now i was terrified and my whole life flashed before my eyes. i wasnt safe....

Two things I discovered today;

1. It feels good to be loved, especially the unconditional kind! I got home this evening and my two kids - my 3 year old daughter and 9 month old son - were both all over me. Siting and Jumping on my laps, hugging me, giving me lots of pecks on my cheeks and forehead and just cooing, and chattering all at the same time. Felt so nice being wanted and being the centre of attention of such innocent hearts and minds. Love you guys!

2. And the other thing? Well, just realised I've lost something very dear to me and had it for a while too. I guess nothing good lasts forever. They say that good things never come easy, well letting go of good things is even harder.

two years

I have been married for exactly two years today. Its not a bad feeling. Its been a good two years too though with quite a few turbulent events. But all in all, I can confidently say to all my single friends that marriage isn't one instituition to be scared of.

Happy anniversary!

skate

guess what? i like skating! and i just discovered this last week, Thursday to be precise but tried it again on Friday. But it is a wonderful experience, didnt think i'd enjoy it so much. Wasnt all glee though, fell four times! and my wrists hurt (always land with my hands instead of my behind!)

My wrists ache though. A lot of hard landings on my hands but just a few falls cushioned by my bum. I'm going to get a pair for myself...

offloading thoughts

Stuff on my mind. Not too happy (though not sad either). Though nothing serious, just a collection of plenty small stuff made me moody yesterday.

Work is annoying, sent 3 things to my divisional head for approval and she sent them all back. Just annoying cos with her these things (facilities) always take soooo long. So much back and forth and plenty of immaterial issues. Not getting any support or encouragement from her (never did and never expected anyway) but just don’t like when work takes sooo long.

Haven't been feeling too good. feel weak this morning just like yesterday morning. Mite feel better later in the day though. Have a feeling the malaria is still lurking beneath somewhere in my bloodstream

Sore throat is back since day before yesterday. Not any worse today but not much better either. I can live with it though, have some strepsil-like drug I’m licking…

My asshole hurts! (Funny but true). Used the loo quite a bit yesterday (3 times in the office and once at the gym in the morn) and the toilet rolls were much too abrasive for my sensitive behind. Been sore since yesterday. Now I'll b scared to use the loo if I can't rinse with water. Ouch!

Not happy with my finances, so many expenses. No savings. There's always something to spend money on, the expenses never end! And important stuff that cant b avoided! Definitely need an alternative source of income. Cant continue living from hand to mouth man...

Need plenty sleep. Feel weak and tired but think I've said this b4. That I'm repeating it probably means its very important! Bed bed bed or better still, a looong vacation! Cant wait

Last (that I can remember) but definitely not the least; my body's not getting as much sex as my brain demands. Undersexed. I'm very sure its affecting my psyche, physically too but that claim will prompt argument (afterall hardons don't come as often as they used to. Isn't that enuf evidence?). I tend to have more sex in my mind than I do in real life. Not good and not me. I love sex, I love everything abt it, the thot of me havin sex turns me on, I love beautiful humans of the opposite sex. Cant imagine a life without it. Sex is one thing I'm always game for in any mood, condition or time (add xbox to this list). Happy or sad, sick or healthy, morn or nite, jobless or not, its an activity for all seasons and always brings joy to my heart and mind (and loins)

Would b ashame if my body tuned off from it....

Scary thot

Just offloading my thots.